Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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