worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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