My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize