my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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