LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
