she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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