what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
