All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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