If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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