Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
where does the pee come out of this thing
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
