I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
