Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
