remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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