life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
