I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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