I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
