well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
