Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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