We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
