i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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