my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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