Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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