Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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