I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
