I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize