oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
