Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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