but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
