I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
