Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
