Plan B is the new Plan A
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
