I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
