Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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