Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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