There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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