I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
