You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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