ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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