i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
