He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
