If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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