Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
