I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
