Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
third nipple confirmed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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