Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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