I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
