I can text with my tongue
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
