I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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