Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
