just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
