Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize