"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
