If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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