I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
