i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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