u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
