I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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