we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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