Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
