My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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