The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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