i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
