You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
