I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
