Sry I called you an 8
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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