I bet he comes in French.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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